Hold Fast, Gonna Be Rough Seas

I was in Africa. In Botswana  

I felt alive, I was a little fucked up in the head (still am), but the world opened herself up to me.  I want to be back out there.  You know, back in the wild where you don't know fuck-all about the people around you and you think about that one place you want to be.  It's right fucking there. With them.

Yeah...That's where my mind is.  

That's not where I am.  I'm in Cullowhee, NC, USA.  

This is where all of me should be.  I think so many of us get caught up in the bullshit of life that we are distracted from what it's all about.  It's about being there, wherever you are.  It's about being with those people around you and fuck the bullshit, fuck the bullshit from the past.  Why do you always bring that up?  It's falling of deaf ears, bitch.  Anyway, sometimes I find myself wishing I was somewhere else, when I don't need to be anywhere else but right there, with the beautiful people around me.  

I'm back to running, working my body now, finally.  It makes me feel good to push my body to it's max.  Until muscles start tremoring, shaking, your body's saying "Stop, fuck you, stop."...Hell yeah, that's where it's at.  

That's when you realize your tough and everything else ain't much.

I thank god I played rugby, (I'll be back out there soon).  That game makes men out of a men.  after the eye-gouging, wrist-kleeting, dirty rib-shots and nut-shots, shots taken at you just to fuck your shit up, broken fingers, nose, ...well that would take a while, concussions, ripped ears...

I go harder now.  I did it then and I can do it harder, better now; but I need that reminder every now an then.  Something that tells me to get back up and  "Fuck it,  just say it when it comes in your head." type thing and something that keeps me pushing forward.  Fight Club is the best way for me to describe this:

This guy, Tyler Durden. Office job, 9-5, gets fucked over by his boss everyday (doesn't do shit about it).  He obsesses over the decorating of his apartment down to the forks and little glasses.  I mean this guy was whipped by materials to fill something that was missing.  He needed something, something real to himself.  There was one thing: that broken pitiful part of him.

It was FIGHT CLUB.

Once a week, a group of men, in a bar basement.  A place where the shirts are taken off and bare fist of one guy pound the flesh of the other guy.  A fuckin beat down that puts your ass to the ground and God, it hurts.  Oh damn, it's some of the worst pain you have ever felt and you just want out, but you don't say stop!  You don't say stop, because you need it and you want it in your life.  You pick yourself up and smile through the swollen eyes and blood clotted between your teeth, because you know it's your turn.

Ohh hell, now it's your turn to lay the fuckin train down on someone else and be the center of the universe for that moment.  It's your turn to tell that voice in your head that you can go a mile more and you can take another hit and you can wake up that early.  Cold? Who said it's cold, cause I don't hear shit.  I'm on top of my game right now, kickin ass and you just try to break me down.

Yeah, fuck yeah, now that's when it turns out to be the best fucking thing that ever happened to you.  That's when you find yourself and you find that one thing that has been holding you back your whole life.  It was right there in the next stride, the next bare knuckle punch packed to the jaw, the next hit that that sets your bitch ass on your back watching the sky warp in and out at you.

You feel like you can do anything when you find that one something. 

It's what I have always needed and I'll always need it.  You'll break me down and I'll come back twice as strong, as fast, as smart. Hell, I'm bringing it all.

BREAK ME