Hold Fast, Gonna Be Rough Seas

I was in Africa. In Botswana  

I felt alive, I was a little fucked up in the head (still am), but the world opened herself up to me.  I want to be back out there.  You know, back in the wild where you don't know fuck-all about the people around you and you think about that one place you want to be.  It's right fucking there. With them.

Yeah...That's where my mind is.  

That's not where I am.  I'm in Cullowhee, NC, USA.  

This is where all of me should be.  I think so many of us get caught up in the bullshit of life that we are distracted from what it's all about.  It's about being there, wherever you are.  It's about being with those people around you and fuck the bullshit, fuck the bullshit from the past.  Why do you always bring that up?  It's falling of deaf ears, bitch.  Anyway, sometimes I find myself wishing I was somewhere else, when I don't need to be anywhere else but right there, with the beautiful people around me.  

I'm back to running, working my body now, finally.  It makes me feel good to push my body to it's max.  Until muscles start tremoring, shaking, your body's saying "Stop, fuck you, stop."...Hell yeah, that's where it's at.  

That's when you realize your tough and everything else ain't much.

I thank god I played rugby, (I'll be back out there soon).  That game makes men out of a men.  after the eye-gouging, wrist-kleeting, dirty rib-shots and nut-shots, shots taken at you just to fuck your shit up, broken fingers, nose, ...well that would take a while, concussions, ripped ears...

I go harder now.  I did it then and I can do it harder, better now; but I need that reminder every now an then.  Something that tells me to get back up and  "Fuck it,  just say it when it comes in your head." type thing and something that keeps me pushing forward.  Fight Club is the best way for me to describe this:

This guy, Tyler Durden. Office job, 9-5, gets fucked over by his boss everyday (doesn't do shit about it).  He obsesses over the decorating of his apartment down to the forks and little glasses.  I mean this guy was whipped by materials to fill something that was missing.  He needed something, something real to himself.  There was one thing: that broken pitiful part of him.

It was FIGHT CLUB.

Once a week, a group of men, in a bar basement.  A place where the shirts are taken off and bare fist of one guy pound the flesh of the other guy.  A fuckin beat down that puts your ass to the ground and God, it hurts.  Oh damn, it's some of the worst pain you have ever felt and you just want out, but you don't say stop!  You don't say stop, because you need it and you want it in your life.  You pick yourself up and smile through the swollen eyes and blood clotted between your teeth, because you know it's your turn.

Ohh hell, now it's your turn to lay the fuckin train down on someone else and be the center of the universe for that moment.  It's your turn to tell that voice in your head that you can go a mile more and you can take another hit and you can wake up that early.  Cold? Who said it's cold, cause I don't hear shit.  I'm on top of my game right now, kickin ass and you just try to break me down.

Yeah, fuck yeah, now that's when it turns out to be the best fucking thing that ever happened to you.  That's when you find yourself and you find that one thing that has been holding you back your whole life.  It was right there in the next stride, the next bare knuckle punch packed to the jaw, the next hit that that sets your bitch ass on your back watching the sky warp in and out at you.

You feel like you can do anything when you find that one something. 

It's what I have always needed and I'll always need it.  You'll break me down and I'll come back twice as strong, as fast, as smart. Hell, I'm bringing it all.

BREAK ME

I've got the heart of a lion

Today starts the new year of 2013.  Everyone is writing up their schedules and setting up their routines for the glorious resolutions they planned the night before.  We need those routines.  They are like a style of music, but sometimes a routine can distract us, limit us from creativity we could otherwise find.  It can restrict our freedoms and leave us to relive the day before yesterday, again and again.

I set some goals for the new year.  You know, it's so great to really celebrate a new year.  Think of it as a brand new day...fresh and now, you can start new.  I am going to let go this year and listen to that little voice in my head that tells me what I should be doing.  And especially not doing.  It's that voice that talks to you when you look at the alarm in the morning and says, "Jump up, time for the run you planned last night."  Fuck it, I'm listening this time round.  I'm going to be active...mind and body...and start a healthy routine.  A routine that is effortless and allows me to grow.  I know what I need to do, hell we all do.  Our bodies and our minds tell us everyday and we just need to listen and know what the signs are telling us.  Fuck a routine that says you go the gym every day at 0800, eat set number of calories, sleep at this time, adda adda.  I'm doing what I feel like I should be doing.  Doing whats good for me and what makes me feel good.  Sometimes It might not be nice at the moment, but you know it will pay off...you just know it.

Lets be in the moment and...let it happen...Those are the best ;)

   

Never mistake motion for action

As I was unpacking my last bit of things today I found this quote:

"Never mistake motion for action."

-Ernest Hemingway

At least the way I read it, I believe it.

So many people work their days away in books, in papers, going here and going there, hoping that it will pay off.  Thinking that if they strive and slave away at this one class, it will make it all better in the end.  Or they work and work at that one job, as hard as they can, waiting for a way out.  Are they doing the right thing?  I believe so much in working hard and never giving up on your dreams, ever.  

The way you achieve your goals and make your own accomplishments is another thing.  I want to know that what I am doing, at any given time, is what I want to be doing and what I should be doing.  

I am going to take a step forward every day of my life, in the right direction.  Not only for myself.  For the ones I love, the ones that are the dearest and closest to me, and the stranger I just met on the side of the road.

I am generous and I am selfish

I am kind and I am mean

I am loving, but I am far...
I am scarred, but I am free.

I might just greet the sun tomorrow

I told my self I was going to start new in Africa.  Do the things I have always wanted to do.  The dreams and imaginations i had stirring and bubbling in my mind.  They hadn't overflowed, only wasting precious space until I use them.  What is a dream when you don't try?  I am not going to waste away.

Africa changed with me.  The thick smell of spring and the lush green bush showed itself to me in the morning.  The river of the reserve is now flowing and the wildebeest and Eland have come out of the wetlands to feed on the sweet grasses of the plains. 

I will change with everything around me...
Become brighter like the nature I see all around and be where I am.  Whether I am eating breakfast, running, talking with a friend--My whole mind will be right there.  I know what I need to do and I know when I have gone to far and when I should be, but I'm not.  The part of me that "knows" is now the biggest part of me. I am now going to do what I want to do and couldn't before.  I am going to thank her forever.

I never want to stop imagining and never want to stop dreaming.  I can make my own perfect world in my dreams and that's where I'll start.  If I can;t make it perfect, we will sure as hell try.  Idealism never sounded too bad.

I have already started them with you....

It was a fight

I didn't want to fight, but when you have the greatest thing.  A cure to ills no other drug could compare too.  A person who reminds you everyday who it is you are....There is bound to be a fight.

  

I tore down mountains.  Fought my demons for her and it was the hardest thing I have ever done.  Yet the easiest, she only needed to look at me and I saw our lives play out right there.  I imagined it all saw our dreams come true and knew I could only be hers. She saved me from the beast i had on the outside.  Now, I look at my hands and look at myself and see the scars left on my from my life.  When I lean closer  I see them most in my eyes.  The good scars and bad scars are all there, brightening and darkening all shades of the iris.  I like to think now, I am becoming brighter....

Old man, take a look at your life

"I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him."

-Galileo Galilei

I have an idea.

One that has been with me for a long time.  And I find that each and every place I go, I meet someone to add, build to that idea.  It is quite simple and leads me down many paths, but overall the idea is there.  It is the base, source of all the dreams I have for the future.  With each person I meet, they give me new insight and knowledge to better tune myself.  I alter with the information I choose to retain and also, with the ones I throw out.  Both ways, I am constantly learning.
My dreams never change, only the journey to them is unwritten.

This idea may not be ready for me yet.  Better yet, I don't think I am ready for it yet.  I must take the growing idea, narrow it, shape it, construct it into a plan.  Grab from the sky, the tangled mess of motives, needs, ambitions and tame them into my idea.  Yes, broad, but all the pieces are there.  All the parts I need are at my fingertips and will present themselves as needed.

You need a pair of balls to go forth in this world.  Life is tough and if you really want to make a stand, a difference, nothing is going to be laid out for you.  The pieces are never going to all be there and you must go forth and build/find your own.  This involves taking risks, calculated risks.  Know who you are dealing with–change.  Know how you can deal with it–Start from the beginning and observe.  Observe all of the possible outcomes and factors in effect.  It's a fucking game and when you are good...You are on top of the world.  At the same time this place is a battlefield.

Hell, no one wants to jump in the "shit."  But when you are in the "shit," that is where is all happens.  Deals are lost and made.  Men rise and fall.  Hearts are broken, inspired, and together.  Stay out and you run in circles for the rest of your life.  Go ahead and jump in, take a chance and make your own path.

coffee and a cigarette

Young man

Look ahead, look ahead

Think again, think again

When you might be alone

Well, that's were it began

Build with your hands 

With the tools of man

Take heed, take heed

They planted the seed

We'll just play this one out until it explodes 

into a thousand tiny pieces 

What's your story universe 

You are melody and numbers

You are shapes, and you are rhythms 

They are signs that we can learn

to place over the heavens

to predict how long they'll burn

How long will I last 

Can I turn up the heat

What star am I circling

What's circling me

Now my ebb, and my flow

My lack of control

Turning on, turning off

Saying yes, but playing no

Things keep changing

Things keep changing 

Things keep changing